


bernie's kitchen nightmare

by joltik



Series: it came from twitter [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route, Gen, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), bernie is good at cooking, byleth is just here to eat a lot of food and be a gremlin, edelgard and dorothea are not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29498667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joltik/pseuds/joltik
Summary: Bernadetta didn'tintendfor this to turn into a cooking lesson, and she definitely didn't intend to be the one giving it. But it actually doesn't end up going so badly. (Originally posted as a twitter threadfic)
Series: it came from twitter [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2165712
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	bernie's kitchen nightmare

It didn't start out as a cooking lesson. It had just been Dorothea and Bernie on cooking duty. Mind, for all that Bernie liked Dorothea, trying to cook with her was nerve-wracking in and of itself...but she could've dealt with that, probably. Just gotta stop her from accidentally sabotaging the meal, right? While...trying to keep her from realizing, so you don't hurt her feelings. Easy enough for Bernie. 

And then...the professor comes in. With the emperor in tow.

"Just popping in for a snack," Byleth says. "Hopefully we're not intruding?" 

"N-no! Not at all!" Bernie squeaks before she realizes it, then claps a hand over her mouth. Why did she say that? 

"...The more the merrier, right?" Dorothea says with a nervous chuckle. 

It's...honestly weird seeing Dorothea so out of her element like this. For a long time, Bernie thought the songstress was good at just about anything, but apparently everyone had their limits.

"...Well," Dorothea says after a beat, sidling up to Edelgard, who actually looks about as uncomfortable in the kitchen as she does, "if you're already here, might as well help out, right, Edie? Here, chop these for me," and Dorothea hands her an armful of vegetables.

Bernie watches in stunned silence. The two are good friends, much as Bernie is lucky enough to also consider them friends, but...the audacity of telling the emperor to help cook, she's shocked and momentarily frightened for Dorothea, before Edelgard...goes to do just that.

...Unfortunately for Bernie's nerves, she decides to do so with an axe (where was she even hiding that???) 

There's a long silence in the kitchen, barring the rhythmic whack of axe against (into) cutting board, before Bernie finds her voice.

"N-NO AXES IN THE KITCHEN!" Bernie finally shouts, with a vehemence that surprises her as much as anyone else, possibly even more. "O-o-only knives!" 

It takes a moment for panic to set in at the realization she just scolded the emperor. It takes another moment for Edelgard to put her axe away, chagrin clear in her posture and tone, as she says, "I...thought it would be more efficient."

"Maybe..." Byleth says over the inconceivably large pile of food that she's somehow raided from the pantry under Bernie's nose, "...cooking lessons are in order. Good thing we have the perfect teacher here." Bernie's blood pressure skyrockets as she looks directly at her. 

"...Professor..." Bernie says, pitch rising along with her anxiety, "that sounds an awful lot like you're volunteering me!" 

Dorothea chuckles, and Bernie fixes her a look. "If...if I have to teach Lady Edelgard, I'm teaching you, too..." 

"What? My cooking is fine," Dorothea says, although even that sounds halfhearted. 

"You tried to add honey to fish pies!" 

"Pies are supposed to be sweet, aren't they?"

Contrary to Bernie's anxieties, the rest of the afternoon goes mostly smoothly. Edelgard and Dorothea do require the occasional supervision, but a combination of Bernie's kitchen expertise and Byleth's teaching skills keeps them reined in. And...it's actually fun.

"You did good," Byleth says, ruffling Bernie's hair with one hand while grabbing a pie with the other, and Bernie flushes.

"Thanks. Um...professor? Those are the sweet fish pies." 

"I know," Byleth says, staring her in the eye while taking a bite. "I wanted to try it."

Bernie can only watch on in horror as her professor eats the whole thing. "...Why?" 

"There are culinary sins that I will never subject another person to, but sometimes you just have to eat a weird pie. You know?" 

"...I don't, actually."

**Author's Note:**

> yes i know the fruit and herring tart exists, as much as i try to forget
> 
> for this i was picturing something more like a savory handpie...unfortunately it doesn't necessarily come across due to twitter character limits. could've clarified it here, but i didn't want to edit it too significantly from its original form
> 
> oh, i originally also wanted to add petra in (both because i haven't written her nearly enough and so she wouldn't be the only beagle girl i was leaving out) but i couldn't figure out a way to add her in, plus juggling 5 characters in a twitter threadfic felt like too much. too many cooks in the kitchen, you could say.
> 
> follow me on twitter @tinyjoltiks if you want more nonsense like this in your feed


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